So we all have had our share of conflict and it might surprise you to know that you can resolve it like a pro. It’s possible. And this is the one thing as a mindfulness trainer that always gets me. This notion that people just walk away from hard conversations cause they just do not believe that conflict can be resolved. Well I’m here to tell you it can be.
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The First Step To Resolving Conflict
The first step to resolving conflict is bringing awareness and emotional intelligence to the exchange. You can not arrive at a resolution to conflict with your ego. Your need to be right must also subside. And your need to blame and speak must also be tapered. None of these entail a potential resolution to conflict. If you are truly intent on resolving the conflict then you will begin to approach it in a whole new way.
It’s like they say – “you can’t expect a new result by doing the same old thing.” I’m not sure who said this, but they were spot on.
So again I find so many people wanting or claiming to want resolution, but they go down that same path of blame and shame with little interest in listening and hearing the other person out.
Do This To Begin The Resolution Process Like A Pro
So to begin the resolution process let’s start with one of my favorite quotes from the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama you may or may not know has been brought in by nations around the world to help in conflict resolution. And his magic words cast a blissful spell of love and open an ocean of expanse to those who take this advice to heart. He says, “we must first render the enemy defenseless.”
So what does this mean? This means you do not come in with guns blazing and swords swiping. You come in with power words that will help the person feel less guarded and more receptive to what you have to share and say and they will be more apt to hearing you out.
They will have greater consideration for your point of view.
So essentially start with a compliment. And for those who say there’s no compliment here for this person let’s go a little deeper with this. If you are willing to expend enough energy fighting with this person then you care about them enough to know they have at least one, two or more good traits.
Why It’s Important To Resolve Lingering Issues With Others
So sure we can walk away from the hard stuff, but there’s no power in that. Letting hurts linger is more harmful to us in the long run than resolving the conflict. Who wants to be estranged from a loved one for a lifetime? Why is that even on the table for us? Why do we think it’s ok to walk away? Why are we so willing to walk away? These are all the questions I’d like you to ask yourself.
Why quit on a sister or a brother? Why not resolve the issue with your mom or dad? How much more empowering would it be to come up with a resolution rather than just end the relationship?
This is what we must consider. Cause at the end of the day when we do walk way and let these issues fester and linger within we live half-hearted. We tend to be broken-hearted over it. Whether we acknowledge or not. And sure perhaps some can harden themselves enough to not care anymore, but how delightful would it be to just learn a powerful way and feel some sense of emotional intelligence to the core of our being? It’s a wonderful feeling to learn this more powerful way and not shy away from hard conversations, but instead allow them to help you go deeper with those around you.
We are not here to simply walk away from the hard stuff. We are here to resolve problems and end conflict and come up with resolutions to those things that trigger us.
We are here to learn to forgive and move powerfully past conflict with emotional intelligence and awareness and compassion.
Do not let your ego lead you. Let your heart guide you instead to a more loving way of being.
Mindful communication works.
What The Pros Do Every Time To Resolve Problems
So here’s what the pros do to resolve conflict. And by pros I mean people who have done the work and understand that life is hard. It’s about growth and on many occasions we have to stretch ourselves and bend into those uncomfortable nooks and crannies to get to the gold.
Most really good things take work. Such is the case for relationships and bonds that matter that we can work on and build upon.
There is nothing more powerful than resolving conflict to elevate the dialogue and arrive at higher ground with a loved one. Forgiveness is a far superior emotion than resentment.
- Render them defenseless – So an example here of this is – instead of starting with everything they’ve done wrong and why you’re so mad at them – start with this – “I love you.” or “I care about you. Our relationship is very important to me. I love so much about you. You have so many things I love about you. I love this, this and this and I’d like us to find a more powerful way. Is this something you’re open to?”
- Say this next – “I do not want to make you wrong. And I don’t want you to make me wrong. Please tell me how I can do better? I want to just listen.” And then just listen. Let them go first. This is big. If you can actually do this it means there is real hope for resolution. Your need to speak is less important than your intent to resolve the conflict. You are making big strides here with this one. Listening is the key to effective communication. Listen in here to the Blossom Your Awesome Podcast Episode #9 with Susan Partnow on Compassionate Listening. #1 Step to powerful communication is listening
- Then – ask them pointed questions about what they’ve shared. To go deeper allow them to continue speaking. Ask them questions, direct ones to gain clarity about what it is they need from you or how they’d like you to show up in the future so the two of you can actually get past this conflict. Don’t worry. You will get your turn. You are showing them by guiding them – the power of listening. When you allow them to speak at length they will have greater respect for you. You will have greater respect for yourself cause you will discover all you are capable of and how empowering it is to be able to listen. That takes really emotional prowess and maturity to just listen without needing to chime in.
- Lastly – once and only once you’ve allowed them to speak at length you get to share without making them wrong. The power in this is – for one – you know what it is that you’ve done and how they feel about it. They’ve given you clarity about how you can do better and now with your response you can speak directly to this to help alleviate future conflict. And they will be more receptive because you gave them an opportunity to speak at length. This works wonders. Even if they are not ready for this as long you keep showing up in this way and refuse to battle the conflict will inevitably suppress itself cause you have made a conscious decision to resolve it and your actions are displaying evidence of this.
For more be sure to checkout my Next Level Communication Training. It’s jam packed with insights and guidance to help you elevate the dialogue even with that most difficult person.
Also if you are ready to level up and go deeper and learn more powerful ways to resolve problems then start with yourself – go deeper with my signature creation – the Ultimate Self Inquisition Guide. This contemplative workbook will have you going deep within and seeing yourself and all of those in your world in a whole new way.