This is one of the questions I get asked more than almost any other. How do I stop thinking about someone? Why can’t I stop thinking about someone? What does it even mean when you cannot get someone out of your head?
I get it. I have been there, done that, precisely in this scenario.
Here is what I have come to understand after years of sitting with this myself. When I was in a situation where I could not stop thinking about someone I was trying to make it make sense. I was trying to give it meaning. But here is what I have realized: some things in life just are, and do not have meaning. As human beings we are wired to give things meaning. We feel that if we cannot stop thinking about someone it must mean something extraordinary. And here is the thing about extraordinary — it does not necessarily mean awesome or incredible or meant to be.
It does not mean this person is your soulmate. It does not mean you belong together or that they are the one.
I spent years feeling deeply connected to someone who turned out to be a narcissist with zero regard for me. Because of the intensity of that connection I wanted it to be something more than what it actually was. I finally found peace when I accepted it for what it was. Someone I had deep intensity with that did not need to mean or amount to anything. Accepting that was hard. But it was liberating in a way I cannot fully describe.
Sometimes in life we can have a profound connection with someone and that is simply the extent of it. Accepting that is how you begin to let go.
Here are 14 things that can help you get there.
Table of Contents
- What Does It Mean When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone?
- 14 Things To Stop Thinking About Someone
- When To Seek Help
- FAQ
What Does It Mean When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone?
It may not mean what you think it means. It could mean you are deeply connected to this person on a soul level. It could mean you have past life soul contracts with this person. It could mean you love this person and have intense karma or unfinished business with them.
But it very well may simply mean there is a lesson in this for you. This person and this experience came into your life to teach you something. And the most powerful way to move past it is to accept and learn the lesson this experience was meant to teach you.
Go deeper with yourself to figure out what wisdom and insights you can take from the experience. My Ultimate Self-Inquisition Guide was created for exactly this kind of inner work. It is a 28-page contemplative workbook that helps you ask the hard questions and sit with the answers.
14 Things To Stop Thinking About Someone
1. Reconcile Your Past Through Self-Inquiry
Self-inquiry is the process of turning inward and asking yourself honest questions about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It is one of the most powerful tools available for understanding why you are stuck and what this experience is trying to show you.
By taking the time to inquire into your own life you can gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your patterns. You can begin to see how your past experiences may be impacting your present. Self-inquiry helps you heal old wounds, release negative patterns, and move forward with greater self-awareness and self-compassion.
If you want to go deeper with this practice grab my free Ultimate Self-Inquisition Guide. It will help you get clear and get unstuck.
2. Do Healthy Things For Yourself
Do not self-sabotage your mental health by staying stuck and being sad and mopey. Give yourself a few days to feel it fully — we will give you a week — but then you have to get back out there. Not back to dating or jumping into a new relationship, but back to your routine and back to doing things that are genuinely good for you.
A brisk walk can do wonders for a cluttered mind and a heavy heart. A sweaty yoga session can definitely take a chip off. Binge your favorite show for a weekend. But no matter what you do, do not sit around and mope for too long. That is not healthy for your soul. You have to return to normalcy and get back to daily life.
3. Practice Self-Love
Self-love is one of the most neglected forms of love and also the most powerful. We are always looking outward toward everyone else for love, but loving ourselves first and foremost is where real healing begins.
Self-love could mean getting exercise, working on your body, taking a bath, taking a nap, lighting some candles, sitting in quietude, sleeping in on a Sunday, grounding yourself in the grass, watching a sunset, or dancing to your favorite beats. Whatever fills you up and brings you back to yourself.
For a deeper dive into building a genuine self-love practice, my Self-Love Workbook is a powerful place to start.
4. Get Into Nature
There are countless benefits to spending time in nature when you are trying to heal and move on. Spending time in nature can lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, and increase feelings of happiness, awe, and wonder. Nature has always been one of my most powerful sources of perspective and peace.
Next time you are feeling stuck take a walk in the park or a hike in the woods. You just might find it does wonders not just for your soul but for your entire nervous system. For more on using nature as a spiritual and healing practice check out my video with Nature Connection Coach Hana Lee Goldin and this post on what the Transcendentalists understood about nature.
5. Read Positive and Inspiring Things
Reading positive things can genuinely help shift your outlook when you are stuck in a loop of obsessive thinking. When you read about others who have overcome difficulties, found peace, and moved forward powerfully, it reminds you that you can too.
One book that helped me deeply during a very dark time in my life was the Dalai Lama’s work on happiness. Pick up something that speaks to where you are right now and let it be part of your healing.
6. Get Perspective From Others
When we are in the thick of an intense connection we do not always see clearly. We see everything through rose-colored glasses. We may have made something out to be far more than it actually was.
Talk to your friends, your family, people you trust. Share what is on your heart and let others who love you offer a more objective view. They may see this person or this situation in a way that is genuinely helpful for you to hear. Perspective from people who know you and care about you is one of the most grounding things available when you are stuck in your own head.
7. Forgive Yourself
Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do and also one of the most important. You might replay the situation over and over wondering what you could have done differently. But forgiveness is essential to moving on.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened or excusing anyone’s actions. It simply means acknowledging what happened and then releasing yourself from the self-imposed punishment of carrying it. When you forgive yourself you give yourself the gift of peace and freedom.
My favorite teacher on forgiveness is Dr. Fred Luskin whose work on letting go has helped countless people move through exactly this kind of pain.
8. Take Time To Heal
No one ever said healing was easy or quick. It takes time, effort, and a lot of patience. But it is worth it in ways you cannot yet imagine from where you are standing right now.
The process of healing is different for everyone but some universal truths apply to all of us. Accept that you need to heal. Once you have accepted that you can start taking the necessary steps, whether that is therapy, meditation, journaling, or simply being gentle with yourself as you move through it. For more on the healing journey check out The Mindful Breakup which walks through two of the most powerful steps you can take after a painful ending.
9. Consider Therapy
Mental health is one of the things that gets overlooked most often and yet it is so important to our overall wellbeing. These days you can get support right from the comfort of your home through online therapy, which makes it more accessible than ever.
If you are feeling stuck and struggling to move through this on your own, reaching out to a professional is a sign of strength not weakness. BetterHelp offers online therapy sessions with licensed therapists at an affordable price point and is one of the resources I recommend and am proud to be sponsored by.
10. Accept It
Acceptance is one of the most transformative things you can do for yourself. This is what ultimately freed me personally. I finally accepted the connection for what it was — something intense and real that did not need to mean anything more than that. I accepted that it was okay to have things left unsaid. To feel something so intensely for someone without it needing to amount to a single thing.
That acceptance was hard. But it was the most liberating thing I have ever done for myself.
In our personal lives acceptance allows us to stop fighting reality and start living it. When we can accept something completely, including ourselves within it, we can finally start to move forward.
11. Find A New Hobby
Redirecting your energy toward something new and engaging is a genuinely powerful way to interrupt the thought loop. A hobby gives your mind something to do, keeps your hands busy, connects you with new people, and builds a sense of accomplishment and forward momentum.
Think about what you enjoy. What lights you up. What you have always wanted to try but never made time for. This is the time. Channel the energy you have been pouring into thinking about this person into something that builds you up instead.
12. Stop Playing the Victim
Victimhood keeps you stuck. If you want to stop thinking about someone then staying in victim mode is not going to help you get there.
There are times when acknowledging that you were hurt is healthy and necessary. But there is a difference between honoring your pain and building your identity around it. When you stay in victim mode you hand your power over to the very person you are trying to stop thinking about. Taking responsibility for your own healing and your own next chapter is how you take that power back. For more on this check out What You Allow Will Continue and the powerful reminder that you have more agency in your own story than you may realize.
13. Build Your Support System
You do not have to go through this alone. Build out a solid support group for yourself. Surround yourself with people who love you and who you can be honest with. Talk it out. Share what is on your heart. Let others be there for you as you move through this.
The support of people who affirm your worth and remind you of who you are beyond this situation is invaluable. Let them in.
14. Learn What Healthy Love Actually Looks Like
One of the most powerful ways to truly stop thinking about someone is to do the deeper soul work of understanding what healthy love actually looks and feels like — and recognizing what it does not look like.
Healthy love is built on trust, mutual respect, and honest communication. It feels safe. It feels supportive. It does not leave you constantly confused, anxious, or questioning your own worth. When you get clear on what you actually deserve in love you stop pining for what was never really that in the first place.
Do not just jump into a new relationship. Take the time to do this work first. Check out these 9 mindful self-care practicesas a starting point for returning to yourself and rebuilding from the inside out.
When To Seek Help
If you are feeling truly stuck and unable to move forward on your own please reach out for support. Watch my video When I Can’t Stop Thinking Of Someone Are They Thinking Of Me Too for more of my personal perspective on this. And if you need professional support BetterHelp is a resource I trust and recommend.
For more on healing and moving forward check out The Mindful Breakup and this post on how to detach from someone.
FAQ
What does it mean when you can’t stop thinking about someone? It can mean many things. A deep soul level connection, unfinished emotional business, or simply an intense feeling that does not necessarily have a greater meaning. As human beings we want to assign meaning to everything, but sometimes a connection is just a connection. Learning to accept that is often the key to finding peace.
How long does it take to stop thinking about someone? There is no universal timeline. It depends on the depth of the connection, how long you were involved, and the inner work you are willing to do. What matters most is not the timeline but the quality of attention you give to your own healing during the process.
Does thinking about someone mean they are thinking about you? Not necessarily. I address this directly in my video When I Can’t Stop Thinking Of Someone Are They Thinking Of Me Too. The short answer is that intense thinking about someone reflects what is happening inside you, not necessarily what is happening inside them.
How do I stop obsessive thoughts about someone? Self-inquiry, acceptance, redirecting your energy into healthy things, building your support system, and if needed seeking professional support are all powerful tools. The most important shift is from trying to understand why you cannot stop thinking about them to understanding what this experience is trying to show you about yourself.
Is it normal to think about someone constantly? Yes. Especially after an intense connection or a painful ending. It does not mean you are broken or obsessed. It means you are human. The goal is not to shame yourself for the thoughts but to gently redirect your energy toward your own healing and growth.
When should I seek professional help? If the obsessive thinking is significantly impacting your daily life, your sleep, your work, or your sense of self it is worth reaching out to a professional. BetterHelp offers accessible online therapy with licensed therapists who can help you navigate exactly this.
Healing is not linear and it is not always fast. But every single step you take toward yourself and away from the loop of obsessive thinking is a step in the right direction. You deserve to be free. And you will get there.
Grab my free Ultimate Self-Inquisition Guide to help you do the deeper inner work that makes real healing possible.
