3 Keys To Forgiveness

True forgiveness is not something that comes naturally to most of us. It is something we have to learn. Here is what finally made it possible for me.

Table of Contents

• Why Forgiveness Is Worth the Work
• Key 1: Forgive for Yourself, Not for Them
• Key 2: Learn From the Wisest Voices You Can Find
• Key 3: Understand That Bitterness Is an Energy Problem
• The Practice That Ties It All Together

Why Forgiveness Is Worth the Work

Forgiveness can be a hard task. I know this from personal experience. I have been through some real betrayals in my life, the kind that stay with you, the kind that make you question people you trusted and loved. And I will tell you something that took me a long time to fully understand: staying in that hurt is a choice. A painful, expensive, exhausting choice.

I am not a vengeful person by nature. I am not someone who holds grudges. But not being grudgeful and knowing how to truly forgive are two very different things. For a long time, even when I was not openly angry, I was still carrying hurt. That weight was still there. And I had to learn that carrying it was costing me far more than the person who caused it.

That learning did not happen overnight. It came through years of betrayals, heartbreaks, and hard-won wisdom. It came through Reiki, through mindfulness and meditation, through the teachings of sages like Thich Nhat Hanh. It came through decades of conversations as a journalist, questioning experts in healing, relationships, and human connection. Forgiveness always came up. Always.

Here is what I learned.

Key 1: Forgive for Yourself, Not for Them

This was the biggest shift for me. When I finally understood that forgiveness is not something you give to another person but something you give to yourself, everything changed.

For a long time it felt awful to be mad at someone, even in a quiet, hurting way rather than an angry one. Just being able to say the words “I forgive you” felt enormous. Like I was letting someone off the hook. Like I was saying what happened was okay. But that is not what forgiveness is at all.

Forgiveness is a release. You are releasing yourself from the grip of something that already happened. You are the one who benefits. They are simply a residual of the gesture.

I knew I could not stay bitter. Bitterness was not an option I was willing to live with. So the only real option was to let it go. And when I did, I felt free. I felt like the bigger person, yes, but more than that I felt humbled by how powerful the act itself was. And interestingly, I noticed how humbling it often was for the other person too.

Merriam-Webster defines forgiveness as ceasing to feel resentment against an offender. That is a clean definition. But lived forgiveness is a little more layered than that. It is a practice. It is a decision you make for your own liberation. And it connects deeply to the signs of emotional maturity we all work toward as we grow.

Key 2: Learn From the Wisest Voices You Can Find

Forgiveness was work for me. Real work. I did not figure this out on my own. I learned it from sages. From books, seminars, teachings, and retreats. From conversations with wise souls who had already walked this road. From years of sitting with experts as a journalist and asking hard questions about healing, hurt, human connection, and what it actually takes to move forward.

Forgiveness was always at the top of those conversations. Always.

One resource I come back to again and again is Fred Luskin’s Nine Steps to Forgiveness. His fourth step especially resonates with me: the primary distress you feel is not coming from what happened but from the hurt feelings and thoughts you are carrying right now. That reframe is everything. You are not suffering from the past. You are suffering from how you are relating to the past in this moment.

Empathy is a huge part of this too. When you can step outside of your own pain long enough to understand that the person who hurt you is also a flawed, wounded human being, something softens. That does not mean what they did was acceptable. It means you are choosing a higher awareness over a lower reaction. Empathy makes you more human. It makes you a more powerful person. It takes you out of victimhood and puts you back in the driver’s seat of your own life. This is also the foundation of learning how to truly feel your feelings rather than bury them.

Key 3: Understand That Bitterness Is an Energy Problem

My Reiki practice brought this into sharp focus for me. Reiki works with energy. The body holds energy, and when you carry negative energy, you are not healed. You are blocked. You are making things harder on yourself and on everyone around you.

Holding on to resentment is not a neutral act. It occupies space in your heart, your soul, your mind. Every time you revisit that old hurt you are bringing it into the present moment. You are keeping it alive. And you are spending your precious life force on something that already happened. This is true whether you are working through a deep wound or untangling patterns like people pleasing that were born from old pain.

The teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh deepened this understanding for me profoundly. When someone is truly working to heal and do better, forgiveness is not optional. It is an absolute. It is not up for debate. It is the only path to being fully free.

You cannot live powerfully into your future while dragging the past behind you. That is not how energy works. That is not how healing works.

Let it go. Not because they deserve it. Because you do.

The Practice That Ties It All Together

All of this begins with the inner work. Happiness, peace, and lasting tranquility take real effort. We have to spend time with ourselves, sit with our experiences, examine our part in things, and develop the kind of self-awareness that makes empathy and forgiveness possible.

Self-inquiry is the foundation. The more we go inward, the more clarity we gain. The more clarity we have, the more we can release. Loving yourself starts here, with the willingness to look honestly at your own life and do the work to heal it.

If you are ready to begin that process, download my free Ultimate Self-Inquisition Guide. It will get you started on the path to transformation, clarity, acceptance, and real forgiveness.

And if you are working through something painful and want support in going deeper, my Self-Love Workbook is a powerful companion for that journey.

You are not meant to carry this forever. You are meant to be free.

Keep Reading

5 Things That Are Good For Mental Wellness

The Best Self-Love Workbook For Women

Mindfulness and Meditation: How to Build a Practice That Transforms Your Life

Self-Care In Real Life: How To Actually Take Care Of Yourself Mind Body And Soul

See my short video on Forgiveness below.