I know so well there is a lot of talk about the power of loving yourself, but let’s go a little deeper with this cause I know it’s not all peaches and cream. It’s so easy to give and love everyone else, but loving yourself can be an uphill battle. So let me ask you when is loving yourself hardest for you?

What happens internally when all those grand plans you made just crumble and collapse? There’s a little shame that surfaces up and it starts to whisper doubts and negative things to you making it even harder to just be all in for yourself. It makes you feel like you’re not worthy so what do you do? You start to beat yourself up. The exact opposite of what you should do and what you actually need when you’re down and out. This is exactly the moment you should be loving yourself, but instead you find yourself beating yourself up.

And then of course we don’t stop there. Next thing you’re doing is comparing yourself to every Tom, Dick and Harry and that my friend is a losing battle of epic proportions.

As we continue doing the work that we’ve been doing all these years, as we keep forging ahead through thick and thin, through loss and suffering, pain and grief how has loving yourself felt different at 51 then it did at 30? Are you better at it? Is it getting harder because you’re better at judging yourself and a pro at beating yourself up? I hope it’s the opposite. And I hope you have not fallen prey to the good ole tactics of self-abandonment. You are your own hero and only you can save yourself. That’s the magic bullet.

Why Loving Yourself Feels So Hard

Loving yourself feels hard cause life is already hard as it is. We are encouraged to reward ourselves with hard work and love ourself when we’ve achieved something massive. Our productivity culture has a way of tying our worth to output rather than this idea of – “you are enough as you are.” Which you are by the way in case you didn’t already affirm that for yourself – I’ll go ahead and affirm that for you. Then there’s that tired old script we run in our heads of “I should be further by now.” That belief only weighs us down, keeping us from flying and soaring. It’s a hard pill to swallow and lord knows society makes it even harder.

We’re measure our self worth and worthiness for love by a set of public metrics vs. private healing. How much have we done? How much have we accomplished versus how much inner work have we done. Are we healed? Are we whole? It’s the internal quest that leads to the greatest joy, but our immediate worlds have us so outward focused and externalizing rather than internalizing our own healing and worth that we often forget about ourselves altogether.

We have so many things at any given moment gnawing at us. We might be in the thick of grief experiencing nervous system deregulation or any number of physical symptoms. And all the loss and suffering we encounter begins to distort our reality leaving little or no time for self-love, self-care and the nurturing we are yearning and need.

And all of the comparisons and the ways in which we measure our own worth based on someone else’s accomplishments begins to erode our own self-respect.

Ask yourself these things and sit with what you come up with –

• What makes loving yourself feel unsafe?
• What part of you thinks self-love equals complacency?
• Where did you learn that worth must be earned?

Loving Yourself Is Not the Same as Being Delusional

Loving yourself is a serious task. It’s not some airy fairy idea of spiritual evolution or some hippie hippie trip of wearing flowers in your hair and dancing around in flowing skirts with your feet in the sand. It’s a real practice that requires you showing up for yourself day in and day out.

You might fall victim to things like toxic positivity which making loving yourself an uphill battle. And we already touched on this idea of needing to keep up with the Jones’ well this is none of those things. This is about getting down into the weeds with what’s on your heart so you can learn how to love yourself again. This is about sitting with discomfort as easy as it may be to bypass pain. Grounded self-honesty is a practice in deep self-reflection (download the Ultimate Self-Inquisition Guide for help with this)

Inquire within and ask yourself – How do you hold truth and compassion at the same time and this will revelation will lead you to self-compassion, self-trust and self-worthiness.

Where in your life do you see people misusing “self-love” language? What does that look like? Because true self-love is staying around, sticking with it, not giving up on yourself, not burning it all down, but being with the discomfort anyway.

How to Start Loving Yourself (When You Feel Like You’ve Failed)

Step 1: Dismantle the Belief That Your Worth = Your Results

Belief to dismantle:
“If I’m not succeeding, I’m not valuable.”

Failure becomes identity. That’s the distortion.

Behavior that builds self-trust:
Separate facts from identity.
Instead of “I am a failure,” write:
“This project didn’t work.”

Small daily promise:
No self-labeling. Catch it every time.

Boundary that signals self-respect:
Stop explaining your timeline to people who weaponize comparison.

Habit that reinforces internal safety:
End the day listing 3 efforts — not outcomes.

Step 2: Stop Abandoning Yourself in Panic

When life gets hard, most people pivot, quit, or blow things up.

Belief to dismantle:
“If it’s uncomfortable, it must be wrong.”

Behavior that builds self-trust:
Stay. Don’t make permanent decisions in emotional spikes.

Small daily promise:
No major life decisions for 30 days.

Boundary:
Reduce input from loud voices (social media, critics, comparison triggers).

Habit:
Create one consistent daily action you complete no matter what (walk, write 300 words, meditate 5 minutes).

Consistency rebuilds identity.

Step 3: Regulate Before You Evaluate

When your nervous system is fried, your self-perception is distorted.

Belief to dismantle:
“My thoughts are facts.”

Behavior that builds self-trust:
Pause before self-criticism. Ask:
Am I exhausted? Grieving? Overstimulated?

Small daily promise:
One regulation practice (breathing, walking, quiet time).

Boundary:
No evaluating your entire life after 9 p.m.

Habit:
Sleep protection. Loving yourself includes physical care.

Step 4: Practice Self-Respect, Not Self-Indulgence

Self-love isn’t comfort chasing.

Belief to dismantle:
“Loving myself means letting myself off the hook.”

Behavior that builds self-trust:
Keep small commitments.

Small daily promise:
Finish one thing you start.

Boundary:
Stop over-apologizing for existing.

Habit:
Speak about yourself without self-degrading humor.

Self-respect is quiet and steady.

Step 5: Rebuild Identity Through Action, Not Affirmation

You don’t think your way into self-love.
You act your way into it.

Belief to dismantle:
“I’ll love myself when I’m further along.”

Behavior that builds self-trust:
Act like someone who respects themselves.

Small daily promise:
Do one thing aligned with who you want to become.

Boundary:
No doom-scrolling your competition.

Habit:
Track kept promises, not achievements.

Learning to Love Yourself After Loss

One of the hardest things to do in life is walk through loss with grace and loving ourselves is usually the furthest things from our minds. When your heart has been broken and dismantled we are so lost, in such despair that we lose ourselves completely in the grief and heartache that we forget the importance of self-nurturing and self-care. Grief leaves us reeling with little ambition to move forward let alone motivate ourselves towards self-love and self-betterment.

• What happens to identity after loss?
• How does grief change motivation?
• Why does loving yourself after loss feel foreign?
• What does self-compassion look like when nothing feels inspiring?
• What does rebuilding slowly look like?

Avoid inspirational tone. Anchor in reality.

What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like

So if we were to get really granular with this let’s break down what loving yourself actually looks like day in and day out.

Loving yourself on a bad day means – yeah you’re having a shitty day, but you do it anyway. It means you get to and you ought to love yourself when no one is clapping, cheering or rooting for you on the sidelines. You are allowed to and should love yourself whenever it feels right, whoever you can and in fact all the time without announcing it. Loving yourself means you finish what you started, no excuses. And another awesome way to love yourself is level up. Don’t pivot when the going get’s tough. Don’t panic. Chill. Breathe and love yourself up. Listen in to this powerful conversation on the Blossom Your Awesome Podcast – titled – Loving Yourself Up.

Signs You’re Finally Learning to Love Yourself

Before anything ever changes on the outside something starts to take to shape on the inside.

1. Your Self-Talk Starts to Evolve

Before anything changes on the outside, something starts to take shape on the inside.

You notice:

• You pause before attacking yourself.
• “I’m a failure” becomes “That didn’t work.”
• You stop using permanent language about temporary situations.
• You speak to yourself the way you would speak to someone you respect.

Loving yourself shows up first in language.

2. You Stop Performing Pain for Validation

What behaviors stop?

• Oversharing for sympathy.
• Announcing every setback.
• Fishing for reassurance.
• Making dramatic exits to feel powerful.

You don’t need witnesses to your rebuilding anymore.

3. The Comparison Drama Loses Its Grip

What drama disappears?

• Obsessively checking where everyone else is.
• Mentally calculating who’s ahead.
• Interpreting someone else’s success as your failure.
• Spiraling because someone launched something bigger.

When you’re learning to love yourself, comparison becomes data — not a verdict.

4. You Don’t Abandon Yourself When Things Get Uncomfortable

You stop:

• Quitting mid-process.
• Pivoting out of panic.
• Burning things down when they feel slow.
• Making emotional decisions at night.

There’s more steadiness.
Less chaos.

5. Your Life Starts to Stabilize in Boring Ways

What becomes boring but stabilizing?

• Keeping small promises.
• Showing up consistently.
• Going to bed on time.
• Finishing what you start.
• Having fewer dramatic highs and lows.

It’s not flashy.
It’s regulated.

And stability is one of the clearest signs you’re learning to love yourself.

6. You Argue Less With Reality

You stop fighting:

• Your age.
• Your timeline.
• Your starting point.
• Your current capacity.

You work with where you are instead of resenting it.

That’s mature self-love.

7. You Feel Less Urgency to Prove Yourself

The pressure softens.

You don’t need:

• Instant wins.
• Public applause.
• A reinvention every six months.

You’re building something steadier.
And that steadiness is self-trust.

Frequently Asked Questions About Loving Yourself

Is loving yourself selfish?

No. It’s necessary.

Loving yourself isn’t self-absorption — it’s self-respect. You have to love yourself first before you can truly love anyone else in a healthy way. When you neglect yourself, resentment builds. When you value yourself, your relationships become stronger, not weaker.

Why is loving yourself so hard?

We are creatures of habit, and loving others often comes more naturally to us than loving ourselves.

When we spend so much time outwardly focused — on work, family, expectations, and performance — we forget to pause and give back to ourselves. Add shame, comparison, and old conditioning, and loving yourself can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable at first.

It’s not hard because you’re incapable.
It’s hard because it’s a muscle you may not have exercised consistently.

How do I start loving myself?

There are many ways to begin loving yourself, but small, consistent actions matter most.

Forgive yourself for what didn’t work.
Cut out negative self-talk when you catch it.
Designate 30 minutes a day solely for yourself — to reflect, rest, move your body, or simply be quiet.

Loving yourself starts in small, repeatable behaviors. Not grand gestures.

Can you love yourself and still want more?

Absolutely.

You can love yourself and still want growth, progress, or change. In fact, the more you love yourself, the more thoughtfully you may want to invest in your own life.

But here’s the shift: when loving yourself is real, wanting more doesn’t come from lack. It comes from expansion.

And sometimes, loving yourself deeply enough actually satiates the constant hunger for “more.”

How long does it take to learn to love yourself?

It’s a process. A lifelong journey.

But loving yourself as a daily practice can create noticeable shifts quickly. The more consistently you practice it, the more natural it becomes. Like any habit, repetition builds strength.

The more you do it, the better it feels.
And the easier it gets.

Closing | Start Loving Yourself Today

So ask yourself this – what does loving myself require of me this year? What will I do differently? What negative behavior do I commit to giving up starting today? Think of something you can do today, 5 minutes of self-love to ground you into the new and improved more self-loving version of yourself.

Promise yourself you will not abandon yourself ever again and stay with it, stick with it, be with this more loving and more embracing you. This might be the perfect time to start and one of the most powerful ways to start might be with a self-care journal.

You loving you is about as good as it gets.